Slump.

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I honestly don’t know how to put everything in my head to words. I know that a lot of it seems and are excuses for my lack in any type of work or anything in general lately. I’ve been in a slump and it’s only getting worse and worse with time. I’m going to explain a few things that I don’t think a lot of people know that went on with me and that continues to go on with me and I’m sorry ahead of time if I disappoint you in anyway.

Let’s take everything back a few years. During High School, I went through a faze where I felt “not good enough”. I couldn’t tell you much about it today being as I can’t recall most of it. I honestly think my unconscious mind has gotten far too good at just forgetting things which isn’t good at all.

But anyways, back during the start of freshmen year and some parts in middle school, I went through a faze where I felt alone. There’s multiple reasons for that, but I don’t need to discuss them now. There were times where suicide seemed welcoming to me, so I didn’t have to keep going through loops and loops of sadness, but I never could because I didn’t want to put my parents and family in that sort of pain. They mean too much for me to just give up the life they gave me. And with seeing my dad struggling through his health problems, I didn’t want to take my own life so quickly while my father struggled to keep his. So instead of committing suicide or really cutting myself deeply, I would, in essence, carve into myself with scissors and scratch myself deep enough to draw just a tiny scraping of blood. I’d go through fazes where I’d get upset with myself over something or ashamed and I’d try to hurt myself just enough to leave a mark on myself to remember. I’d pull my hair sometimes, bang my head countless times against the walls, etc.

At one point, after a very hard breakup with someone who had attempted suicide multiple times in his life, I told my mom what I had been doing to myself. I promised I wouldn’t do it again and both of my parents had me see a therapist. However, throughout the times that I saw two different therapists while I was in High School, I felt so lost and felt like I couldn’t really trust them because I didn’t want my parents to worry more. The therapists definitely helped, but I fear I buried the depression and learned to mask it and keep it at bay well enough to keep going throughout the day. I kind of feel bad for most guys I dated throughout High School being as I was struggling a lot with myself mentally that I probably seem crazy to them :/

Now, let’s bring it slightly more up to speed. Almost 3 years ago, I moved in with my current boyfriend and his family in North Carolina. Now, being as I grew up with two parents from NYC, and having been born and raised in New Jersey, moving to NC has given me a bit of a culture shock. I’m an incredibly fast paced person, I need movement and socialization paired with speed and getting things done. Here in NC, they’re very slow paced, they take their time. I do not in any way mean to disrespect anyone from NC and the areas I’ve been living in. Perhaps it’s just the areas I’ve lived in and with his family or some of that sort, but from my experience, it’s the complete opposite from what I’m used to. That alone has made me feel uncomfortable. With the differences in cultures in NC to NJ, I feel like I’m an outcast.

About that “never feeling good enough” factor. I always feel like I have so many flaws that stick out like a sore thumb. My acne, for one, is one of my major insecurities which make me feel, day to day, like I’m not good enough, like there’s something wrong with me. I have been hiding behind bangs since High School, covering up as much as can with makeup, hair, and or anything that can hide them. I first started getting acne back during the very beginning of Middle School, if not at the end of elementary school. I was an early bloomer which made me feel like something was wrong with me being as I grew, in many different ways, faster than the rest of the kids around me. I still feel, to this day, “not good enough”, just with a stronger hatred for myself, more disgust in myself and what not.

I’m sorry if this seems to be confusing. I’m just trying to put what I can to words so that somehow, you can understand. As well as trying to give you a background to understand how long this has been going on and unfortunately worsening.

After living in NC for the past two and a half years, my lifestyles changed a lot. I’m no longer in school so I don’t have a schedule that I must go by and I’m constantly eating out because of the work my boyfriend does. Being as we vlog our daily life we always feel the need to go out and do something so it’s entertaining, thus we go out and eat. My boyfriend’s also very impatient with cooking and thus just goes out because he can and because it’s quick. Thus, I have been eating fast food more than ever. While I grew up in NJ, my family rarely ever ate out. My mom would never get McDonalds or much fast food being as it was cheaper for her to cook at home and because it’s not good for you. So I went from everyday, having a schedule, walking a lot throughout my school (I loved the walking factor and how big my school was), eating home cooked (remotely healthy) meals every day to not really doing much of anything every day, eating out practically throughout the entire day, and not having a schedule at all. It’s honestly killing me. With all of that fast food, I’ve gained about 30 lbs total now within those first two years. (No wonder America is known as the fat country. Fast food can seriously add some major pounds). And anytime I try to change anything in my own day-to-day life, something comes up, we have to travel, or some other ridiculous excuse. I have started to occasionally go to the gym, however being as I don’t have a car of my own, I’m basically in the hands of my boyfriend and his time-schedule (plus I’ve noticed I’ve developed some type of phobia to be alone out in public here, I get anxious and if people approach me, I start to get really nervous and my body shakes sometimes).

(I also want to quickly state because I can see why some may think it’s something to do with my boyfriend; it isn’t. It’s me. I decide unconsciously because of certain things in my past to live this way but I’m trying to change that little by little. I absolutely love my boyfriend and he supports me in every way possible. Schedule wise, I know both him and I are are frustrated with how we don’t really have schedules and we’re also trying to change that. He’s a fantastic guy and takes incredibly great care of me and our doggy Mac. Just felt this needed to be stated).

Now, being as I have my self-image problems, this extra 30 lbs makes me feel even worse inside and out. I feel like I now need to not only cover my acne scars and breakouts all over my body, but I now also need to wear far more baggy clothes to hide the weight I’ve gained. Each and every day, I look in the mirror and feel honestly disgusted with myself in so many ways. My boyfriend says to change it, and I want to and try to, but the depression I buried down comes out and pulls me down. Every day, I dread waking up, I dread to continue to move and to even do anything. I want to just fall asleep and be left alone for days. Now a part of me totally understands, “Okay, Grayson, you’re just making up excuses to not do anything,” which I can see may be true, however no matter how hard I try to sometimes, I can’t even bring myself to stand up because of how horrible I feel depression wise.

I feel like I’ve been loosing myself in so many ways over the years and it’s hard for me to, while clouded and upset, find pieces of myself to try and get everything back together. Before all of this started and before things got worse, I used to be remotely happy. I’d listen to music and play video games and spend time with my family. Now, I barely do any of those three things I love to do. And I’ve also noticed I have a bad habit of worrying far too much. Sometimes I just want to rock out to my music, but I stop myself out of fear if I do, I won’t hear if someone tries to break into the house, I won’t hear if my boyfriend needs me or if my dog starts to choke. It’s terrible. And I can not figure out a way to over come it.

Okay, I feel like this blog is a bit of everything. I know I need to just get up, go and do things and get my shit together, organize my time, get a job, be independent in every way and just go about life like everyone else. It’s just going to take time for me to do so and I can not thank you all enough for being so patient with me. It doesn’t help I’m a perfectionist, but I’ll get past that.

I felt like I needed to explain what’s going on with me mentally. And I still feel like I didn’t get my “self image problem” across which is a main cause for my lack of wanting to be in videos. I have so many things I want to do for you as well as myself and I do plan to get them done and they will be done. Thank you so much for being supportive, kind, loving, and understanding. I honestly don’t know what I’d do without you.

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