Heal, Repair, Restore.

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There has been a lot going on in my life right now. Almost 2 months ago, my dad passed away. Losing someone you love and someone who was your father your entire life is absolutely horrible. It’s something that will take a lot of time to get through and honestly time doesn’t heal; time only numbs me.

My dad had been in the hospital numerous times within his life, but within the past two years, he had lived in a hospital or rehab center longer than he had been out. Living in the hospital for months because of his health. My dad fought for 69+ years, he would have been 70 this year, to live and keep going but unfortunately, his body couldn’t handle anymore and it was his time. He waited though, he waited as long as he could; he waited until both my younger brother and I graduated high school, he waited until after my brother had turned 19 and until I was home with my mom before he said to himself that it was okay.

All my life I grew up, honestly, scared. Mom, I really hope you’re not reading this because I don’t want you to think that it’s your fault or get more upset because of anything I say. I grew up watching my dad, making sure that when he was asleep, he was still breathing. I can’t allow myself to listen to loud music because I was always so worried that he’d be crying out for help and I wouldn’t hear. I held back being stupid silly, loud and obnoxious because the loudness would bother my dad and I didn’t want to make him upset. I absolutely love my dad. He was someone I truly respect, look up to, and admire. He was the one person in my life who would always be there for me and understood me on so many levels. Whenever my mom and I were arguing about silly petty things that I would over react about, my dad would mediate and sit on my bed, rubbing my back, talking me through everything and telling me what I had done wrong and helped me through my teenage struggles. Growing up, he would teach me things like how to swing a golf club, how to play baseball, and I’d go to him anytime I was having silly boy trouble and without even talking about anything, he’d help one way or another. Anytime I seemed even remotely upset or aggravated with anything, he’d always stop me, look at me and tell me to smile. When I wouldn’t, because you know my what-I-like-to-think sassy ass wouldn’t at first, he’d make a ridiculously silly face or say something funny to make me laugh, and ultimately, smile.

I could go on for hours talking about my dad. He has affected me and always had within the short time I’ve had him in my life. I feel so lucky to have him as my father, as my dad, and in my life. I am incredibly lucky that I was able to have him in my life for 20 years.

female-silouette-women-sunsets-photography-silhouette-model-36787Right now, I’m going through a lot mentally, emotionally, and even physically. There are a lot of things on a deeper personal level that I’m facing and that I will keep private as it’s my business and my business only. Each day is a new day and I try my best to stay positive, smile (as my dad would always tell me), and push forward. Eventually, I want to make video talking about everything on a much deeper level; just me and a camera, raw emotions and thoughts. But it’s going to take time. Anytime I try to directly talk to a camera while I’m alone, I break down. There’s no easy way to say things, no easy way to allow yourself to be in a vulnerable state publicly and I’m having a hard time coming to terms with anything right now; as anyone would at my point in life.

There are so many things I want to do, so many things I will do, it’s just going to take some time for me to get back in the swing of things. My life is my life and I’m going to focus on that and hope that anyone who watches me online can respect that and not be judgmental with whatever little thing they may think they see or understand.

There are so many layers to a person, so many different sides and personalities. Right now, I’m trying to strip myself down to my core, repair, and build up. I will be stronger, I will be better, and I will achieve so many things within my life. Though everything going on within me and my life right now are delaying me and in a way holding me down, I am going to hit the ground running and it’s going to be great. But for now, I need time to heal, repair, and restore.

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