Category Archives: Blogs – Jewel
I am a girl with nothing. I have no talents, no beauty, no confidence which defines beauty, nothing of which sets me aside from all others or makes me better. I am just an average girl drowning in her own sorrow. Begging to be released from this shadow of nothingness she’s casted upon myself. Why am I even alive? Why am I here? There’s no reason. No way or cause to keep me here. This is a waste of everyones time.
You know those fairy tales, where a poor girl or princess struggles to find her true love and in the end, he’s a handsome, all around amazing prince who she ends up with happily ever after? Screw Disney and their damn classics. That shit almost never happens. At least it doesn’t for me.
I’ve been searching and searching for that prince, that one guy who’s all around perfect to me in so many different ways, but I can never seem to find him. At times, I’ll give up and a guy will show up in my life and I think to myself “Maybe he’s the one!” and I some how magically convince myself that I love him, almost every time.
Yet in the end, I get screwed over, hurt myself in the process of it all, damage my self confidence and lose the guy. People will tell me, “Jewel, you’re so lucky! He’s such a great guy!” and what they don’t know is whenever we’re alone, he’ll scream and yell at me, manipulate me to the point where I just do whatever he says.
I don’t have a boyfriend now. And I’m starting to question whether or not they’re even worth it. Every time, I get hurt. Always. I can’t fend for myself at all. I’ll curl up in the corner, fetal position and all, helpless. It’s like, throughout my past relationships, each guy somehow managed to damage and bruise me mentally and emotionally. I can’t look in the mirror without being disgusted. I’m honestly not even sure who the hell I am anymore.
Jewel… Jewel who? She’s been lost for so long no one can even begin to describe properly who the hell she is anymore. I’ll tell you what I used to be: strong, confident, talented, creative, funny, dorky, and beautiful. Now I’m just a bruised up lost girl who can’t hold herself up. It’s pathetic, I’m pathetic.
I’m not a damn princess and I don’t have a prince who will ever come to save me.
You know that feeling where you’re not good enough? That you’re lacking some of the most vital qualities of good looks ad personality? No?? Well, I know the feeling and I can’t stand it! My body is no where near the way I want it, no where near how I wish it to be and I can only look in a mirror with disgust.
My skin lacks proper nutrients, and with the recent circumstances of stress, I’ve been breaking out all over. Not to mention I already don’t feel comfortable anymore to show any part of my skin besides my neck up. I hate this!
I don’t feel good enough to the point where I look away from Matthew, and trust me, that’s hard to do. He’s probably the most handsome guy I know thus far. And what do I do, even though I’m dating the guy, I look down, covering my face with my hair or hoodie, and hide from his eyes. Though of course he has his ways and tries to make me feel good inside and out.
I really don’t think I’d be alive without him…
I can not begin to describe the amount of emptiness that fills me more and more each day. Everything begins to seriously become a blur to me as I continue through life. Time doesn’t seem to end, but I need it to end.
Matthew’s here for me, but that doesn’t mean much. I mean, sure I love him and yes, he makes me happy, but he’s not filling the hole I have inside my heart and soul. No one can and no one ever will. I hate to look at others and have to deal with them. Everyone is managing to get on my nerves. I’ve been staying at Matt’s place for the past few days, sitting in his “recording” studio, which really is just a room with a nice setup and sound proof walls. I keep picking up his guitar and attempting to play, but I can’t play right anymore.
I wish there was a way out of this pain, this fuzz that’s taking over my life. Well, besides the obvious, I wish there was some other way then simply ending it…
(Disclaimer: The following is written in person of a character I created; Jewel, for a novel series I had in mind. Thus, this is all fake and not really me talking)
I have no idea how things changed so quickly. My mother looks to me in shame for how and who I’ve become. The only thing that’s changed is my mood lately. I mean, having my father murdered in front of me can only do one person so much harm, right?
My days have just been dim, I feel like a burden if I try to even remotely act like myself. So what can I do? I can’t dance around and be silly, I can’t even try to find ways to make myself happy or she thinks I have a cold heart to my fathers recent death.
I sit in my room, staring at the walls and ridiculous things found on the internet, and hush the voices I’m beginning to hear in the back of my mind. I can’t stand living here and being watched by my mother. I want to break free from all this hell. I no longer have my father, possibly the ONLY man who I ever looked up to and enjoyed spending time with. My mother and I were never close, and now we’re just growing further and further apart.
I can’t go a day now, without thinking about just ending it. Driving to the store to pick up my mother some things she needs, I can’t help but think of swerving the car a little bit, just enough to happen to drive off the bridge and into the water.
I have no idea what to say, how to say it or anything of the sort. But I know that I hate how I feel inside and how I feel that anything I do, I will be judged by. My heart and mind is no longer strong and thus, I can not take nor handle what I used to be able to anymore. My mother has weakened me along side dad passing.
What can I do…