Depression

Depression is hard to simply explain. Depression is something that casts a dark cloud that will block any view that may be ahead. It will consume your mind, your each breath and drain you of any energy you once had. Depression throws you down a deep dark tunnel with no food, water, barely any air to breathe and closes off the only exit with a mountain of darkness leaving you no escape. It will have you feeling as though you’re the only person on an island far from civilization. And I’m not talking some sweet get-away island. I’m talking a place where it’s constantly cold, dark, rainy and horrid.

Living with depression is something that I wish no one ever had to do. As someone who lives with it, I know how hard each day can be. For years, I have had no drive, no vision of anything in my life. I have absolutely no clue what may be before me for this cloud has consumed me and doesn’t allow me to see ahead. And once you slip into this dark hole, it’s hard to hold yourself up, and extremely hard to come completely out of it. There are days, there will always be days, that are good where you can laugh and smile but then there are days that are awful leaving you curled up in your bed wanting to die.

When you see others happy and out living, you can’t understand why you feel so drained and weighed down, unable to get up, move, and be happy too. Laughing at little things is a difficult without faking it. Genuinely smiling from happiness seems foreign and it’s not something you choose. Sure, you can tell yourself to be happy and smile but with depression inside, everything, every thought, every breathe, you’re hearing things that tell you otherwise. “You’re pathetic, there’s nothing good about you, no one really loves you, why are you even breathing…”

           

Pack Less, Carry More

On long trips, I know I tend to think of all the possibilities and need for options when it comes to clothes and anything under the sun that I may need. You know, if I’m going away for a month, I may need an to pack 10 outfits, a couple dresses, every shoe for every possible occasion, a variety of bathing suits and purses, some groceries, books, an ironing board, a disco ball (you want to be able to bring the party anywhere you go, right?), my dog…

But truly, do I actually need that stuff? If I’m going away for 2-4 weeks, I at max need 7 shirts, and 2-4 bottoms (1-2 jeans, 1-2 shorts/skirt/whichever else) and perhaps one fancy occasion outfit. If I were going somewhere where the weathers a bit unpredictable, bring a light jacket or something easy to layer.

Minimal is key when packing and traveling and remember laundry is a thing and you can always buy necessities once you reach your destination.

I may have forgotten that on my last trip and packed a giant suitcase that was well over 60lbs (50lbs is the weight limit with most if not all airlines when flying). Yep, I know, too damn much. Once I got to my destination, I realized I packed way too much and immediately wanted to send a whole suitcase back. Now I’m just straying from what I had originally set out to write.

Pack less, carry more. When traveling, it’s always best to pack the minimal amount you can but carry with you all of your adventures, growth, lessons, and all that comes with your time traveling. And I’m not talking about souvenirs (if anything, save your money; don’t spend so much money on something you can probably make at home with the thought process of “oh but it’s from here”).

While traveling, you can learn so much about the world around you; different cultures, more about yourself, grow as a person with things you’ve learned from strangers or through scenarios you had to face. Perhaps your travels may just be to a hotel and the beach just outside, but even there, you’ll explore, mentally or physically, and you can learn so much about yourself.

Carry that with you in a way that doesn’t weigh you down but instead makes you stronger and holds you up.

Just within my first two weeks of staying in LA with my boyfriend and friends, I learned so much and could feel that there was so much more that I could carry with me for the rest of my life. Things about myself, things about the world, anything and everything I learned throughout my trip, I shall carry with me for the rest of my life in a way that will help me as a person.

Thus, along my trip, I realized that I should have packed less and carried more.

           

San Francisco Photos

After staying in LA for a month, Ty Moss, Adorian Deck, and I drove up to San Francisco and stayed there for about a week. It was a lovely time filled with great experiences and adventures. Here are some of the photos I took along the way! (Any photo of Ty and I was taken by Adorian)

:)

           

California Misc.

During my stay in California, a lot went on within the small time there. Drunk VidCon nights, staying in different places, spending time with different people, exploring new places, visiting old ones, all of which I had an amazing time and have now some beautiful memories. I figured I’d share some of the random miscellaneous photos I took and they’re pretty random, enjoy :D

           

Hike to the Wisdom Tree and up Eaton Canyon, CA

Wisdom Tree and Eaton Canyon in California

In July, I stayed in Los Angeles, California for a month. It was one of the greatest experiences I’ve had thus far in my life. Living there helped opened my eyes to a lot of things I was aware of before but not fully understanding.

Everywhere on this Earth is absolutely beautiful, we all just need to pay attention to it all. Above are some photos I took from a day I spent Hiking with some amazing people. Now I’m not sure if you know this, but I’m an incredibly lazy person, but that day we went on a hike up Eaton Canyon which was a fun adventurous time, then decided to hike up the Wisdom Tree to watch the sun set over the city. This is, sadly, a big deal to me. There was a point in time where I thought to myself, “Nah, I should just sit and do some work on the computer, I can’t hike up to the Wisdom Tree after just hiking Eaton Canyon”, but my friends convinced me otherwise and I did it. The Wisdom Tree hike wasn’t long, but it was extremely steep, narrow, and difficult but I managed to get up to the top and boy was that view worth every drop of sweat and blisters. Absolutely stunning.

Below are some more photos that I took on another hike up near the HollyWood sign (from the Observatory)

:D

           

Endless Love

Love is a truly beautiful thing. There are so many types of love, it grows in so many different ways, hits you at the most random times, and swoops you off your feet in a matter of seconds. Here’s a beautiful story of a time I encountered my first love while on a vacation with my parents and family. Let me tell you the story of my first love.

Endless Love – Watch their trailer here Check out their Website | Twitter | Instagram | Facebook
—————

The oceans mist brushed across my face as the wind picked up, blowing my hair wildly. My fingers wrapped around the bannister of the hotel balcony as I gazed out toward the ocean. I’m finally here. An escape from reality and time to just be me. No responsibilities, no worries. The sun was beginning to set due west, casting a gorgeous light across the sandy beaches and ocean beyond. Relaxation mode, engage.

In the distance, I could hear skateboards heading in my direction. I looked over to see two boys skating towards the park, a distance away to my left. One of them glanced up, catching my eye and slowed down as he came near the balcony. I was only up a tiny distance from the street, being on the first floor, so we had a clear view of one another. He smiled up at me as the second boy slowed down, following the firsts gaze up at me. They walked passed with their boards in hand toward the park and both smiled up to me. I blushed, smiling back, then looked back towards the ocean as they passed. A breeze picked up, giving me a chill and I returned inside my families hotel room. My parents were unpacking and getting ready for a night out with the rest of our family that were staying at the hotel with us. This was the one time throughout the year we all were able to get together, the one time

           

My First Yankee Candle Haul

While shopping around NorthLake Mall here in NC, I decided to stop into Yankee Candle as I recently received two wax warmers for Christmas. Excited, I rushed in and started going smelling crazy. The man in there was extremely helpful and helped me find quite a few different scents to try out. Here are some of the ones I ended up purchasing, though I know I’ll be going back to buy a few more or multiple of my favorites soon!

YankeeCandle

(Not shown: Golden Sands, Sun and Sand, and Orange Dreamsicle)

For those of you who don’t know about these adorable little guys, they’re Yankee Candle wax tarts. You can burn these in electric or candle lit wax warmers (NOT candle warmers that warm up candles). They’re awesome to have an I’m so excited to have two now in my life. These little wax guys can burn for up to 8 hrs of fragrance.

I’m currently burning/melting – I’m not quite sure what the verb is, but I’m doing it – Golden Sands in my bedroom and Sun and Sand in my kitchen. I also purchased Orange Dreamsicle for my boyfriend but I’m not an orange kind of girl.

I’ll be honest, as of right now I’m not crazy about Golden Sands, but just from looking at my little collection, I know I’ll like a lot of these no matter what. I mostly got a lot of beachy-type scents. I absolutely love everything about the beach thus, want to be reminded of it while I’m so far away from it.

As I may update my little collection and purchase new tarts/waxes, you’ll most likely notice a theme. I like to keep scents very soft, clean, and natural/nature like in my house and in general. I’m excited to discover new scents that I love.

Oh, and I’ll probably end up buying larger candles of the scents I really love. I’m excited!

           

Jan 1, 2014

The first day to a new year which I was incredibly lucky to spend with some of my family. 2013 was a rough year for all of us and there are some rough battles to get through with some deep scars that may never heal…

In 2013, my family lost the greatest man we know; an amazing father, husband, friend, brother, and all around person. I feel like every time I mention my dad, people assume I’m pulling out the “dad passed away” card for sympathy points (which sounds absolutely awful to even say) but sincerely, he has affected me in so many ways throughout my life and thus, his passing was incredibly hard on me. Out of everyone in my family, I feel like he was the only person who really understood me and that I could connect to on a much deeper level

           

12:52 AM

There’s been a lot going on in my life. More so that I’m dealing with mentally and emotionally on top of personal situations. I know there isn’t an excuse as to why I haven’t been posting videos – I’ll explain everything in a video eventually once I build up my confidence to do so.

I lost my dad back in July and since then I’ve been having a really hard time coming to terms with everything that’s currently going on in my life. He was the one person in my life that I truly looked up to and went to whenever I needed help or guidance. He understood me on a level not many can and ever will. So it’s been incredibly hard, especially in a time when I feel I need the most guidance about a lot of things that are going on within my life and mind. Thus, I’ve been regressing and curling into a shell that I’ve been forming over the last three years for other reasons and it’s just not good. I know most of this may not make sense and I’m just babbling at this point, but I hope that in some way you can understand. I don’t think I’d be in such a great place if it weren’t for some amazing people, you, who support me and remind me of who I am. So thank you.

For those of you who watch my personal videos, things are going to be changing along with me. I know I haven’t posted in a while, but it’ll hopefully be worth it once I am able to feel remotely put together to record a video. Thank you for supporting me through everything, putting up with my weird ways, and being so patient as I make my way through this path in my life. Thank you.

           

Doggy Birthday Cake Recipe

So my pit bull Mac celebrated his 3rd Birthday on December 3rd, 2013 and so I made him this yummy cake as a special little treat!

He absolutely loved it, though it was a bit crumby, he was one happy guy with some new toys and cake. I know I’ll be giving my pooch some to share with his new girlfriend too ;) Here’s the recipe that I used to make them. It’s great because you can make up to 6 (or more depending on how small you want to make them) cupcakes that your pooch can have or you can have a little doggy birthday party and share. It’s really simple, fun, and your dog will love it.